Something's Missing

The rain is slowly coming down outside the McDonald's I am sitting in near campus.  As I look out I can't help but feel humbled on the last year of school.  I vividly remember feeling like I was on top of the world about a year ago and even though I have seemingly gone onto bigger and better things, I feel much less significant at times.  I didn't realize how hard it would be going from "the" go-to guy for so many things to someone who's biggest concern is the quiz on Monday in my chemistry class.  My phone use to explode every night, but now it sits on the charger every evening as I read about crystallization and watch basketball.  And the ironic thing is this is what I always wanted.  I always told myself that if I had no other obligations that I could get straight A+'s and be the best friend I could be to everyone. And I justified that part of the sacrifice of being a well-rounded person is being just an A/B student who has to say no to people because of obligations.  In high school I tried to do it all; baseball, intramural sports, marching band, jazz band, any kind of band, academic super bowl, Latin club, AP classes, and have a social life and girlfriend.  It worked and I loved it, but I felt as though I was missing out on somethings because I was so busy.  I am not sure what but something was missing.

In college I gave up band in order to celebrate football games and basketball games as a student.  I still was in a few clubs and eventually became an RA/SR.  That again took up a lot of time and I still kind of wished I had more time to spend with friends and do "college" things while I could.  But now, as a grad student I am expected to devote all my time to school, and I have.  That's what I wanted.  I love to learn and I have found such a cool niche in the world to study.  I really haven't done much other than school this year and I have tried to devote time to friends that I may or may not ever get to spend time with again.  All this as been a humbling experience.  Being busy and needed is hard-wired into the person I am.  And still I feel like something is missing.

Don't get me wrong, things are looking up and I have a lot going for me in my life.  I am a college graduate who has a Fellowship for grad school.  My resume is well-rounded and I feel like I could do anything in this life.  Some days I walk home and think to myself, "I am bound for greatness."  And I believe everyone needs to be a little arrogant at times.  If you don't feel highly about yourself, how is anybody else going to?

I know everybody listens to music and that can be inspirational or just a good way to help express your feelings when you can't find the words.  So the best I can describe how I feel is like the song Something's Missing.  The song, by John Mayer, basically goes through depicting how he has everything he thinks he needs in life but still something is missing.  That's how I feel.  And it is motivational.  If you think you have everything you need in life, what is left to live for?  I have always had that "Somethings Missing" feeling but I was able to suppress it because of all the things I did.  I even thought not being as busy was my missing something.  Now that I have experienced both sides of the spectrum, I have had to face my missing gap head on.  At first it is unnerving and disheartening.  But I have begun to relish the idea and the best thing I do, and I believe everyone should do, is to keep dreaming of something bigger and better to fill your missing gap.  That gap will never fill as long as you keep dreaming bigger.

So take five minutes today and dream big.  I mean really big. I will leave you with an example of mine...

One of my biggest and wildest dreams would be to become one of the first people on Mars, and colonize it.  I would love to be a scientist who lives out the rest of his days on the martian surface.  It is very unlikely that it will ever happen to me, for lots of reasons, but if I am ever even remotely given the opportunity I will be ready to jump all in!  So dream big and relish your missing something!